Erica’s NO HARM Story

Expressions like “boys will be boys,” “that’s just how men are,” and “happy wife happy life” have always sounded like a high pitch, utterly irritating scream to me. I don’t like the sound of these expressions and the social cues that support them. For a long time, I’ve felt like there must be a better way to experience a healthy relationship where both people can be fully human in all their imperfect parts. Then, I met Spence.

Spence and I founded NO HARM after being together for 14 years. A few years into our relationship, he pursued a Doctor of Ministry degree at New York Theological Seminary, focusing on Conflict Transformation with a narrow focus on how religion and patriarchy have led to physical, psychological, and emotional violence towards women. His commitment to unlearning the social behaviors and constructs that are literally killing our boys, men, and those that they love, has shown up in our relationship.  Although always a nice, kind person, I’ve seen Spence tap into parts of himself that he had previously buried thereby making room for him to be even more thoughtful, kind, considerate, emotionally vulnerable, and expressive to me and those that he loves.

While seeing Spence’s transformation, I have undergone my own shift in awareness. Patriarchy, male privilege, and the acceptance of unhealthy male social cues like “man up, don’t act like a punk,” cannot exist without women agreeing to its essence and supporting its existence. For many of us, our culture and/or religious upbringing has caused us to be silently complicit in this harmful messaging. I’ve given myself permission to acknowledge, forgive, and release any lingering ideas that I held for Spence that kept him tethered to Western society’s crippling definitions of manhood.

I believe that the most telling measurement of the success of our work is what a man’s intimate partner has to say. As for me, I’m the first to say that Spence and I continue to be a work in progress. That said, my endorsement for the power of NO HARM is shown through co-founding our organization. I invite you to join our movement today!